Words by Ellen Fildes.
- The F**kboy aka. The Accountant
He doesn’t have to be an Accountant, just any occupation involving a slightly iridescent suit: Estate Agent, Phone Salesman… Sometimes they just say “I work in finance” – you get the idea.
The F**kboy is often mistaken for The Lad, but there is one main difference, The F**kboy is more discreet. In his photos, he’ll most likely be alone, often wearing the aforementioned suit. There may also feature a dog, failing that they may refer in their bio to an ongoing sponsor of a guide dog, voluntary football coaching etc. etc. This is to give them the nice guy appearance and lure you, their prey, into a false sense of security.
Advice: ‘Just say no’.
- The Lad
Not to be confused with The F**kboy (see previous).
The Lad is the peacock of the Tinder dating animal kingdom. He’s the one in a vest (if you’re lucky). In a group photo. On a beach. He’s got a perma-tan, arms the width of your thighs and a flock of muscled buddies at his side. This isn’t the only photo though. He’s probably got one at the gym, possibly holding some protein rich concoction in big lidded bottle. He’ll be glistening in an after shower mirror selfie – six pack rippling above a precarious looking towel around his washboard waist.
Advice: What you see is what you get.
- The (Old Enough to be Your Dad) Lad
More of a magpie than peacock and equally as tanned – only with appearance of a well-worn pair of shoes. Additionally, there will be a selection of nineties style tribal tattoos accompanied by an ex-wife’s name stationed somewhere supposedly sentimental – like his ring finger or over his heart (Awwww). He’ll have a well-practised grin with a couple of twinkly fillings and a smoker’s cough.
Advice: N/A. Let’s be honest, none of us are going there.
- Mr Persistent
This man’s on a mission you just don’t know what it is.
He seems pretty normal, if a little keen, complimentary, chatty. He’s interested in you, your life, what you had for breakfast and none of this seems threatening until you load the dishwasher or leave your phone on charge whilst you’re in the bath only to return to 17,000 messages all asking where you’ve gone.
It starts with: “What you up to?”
Progresses swiftly to “Why reply in the first place if you were never going to meet up?!”
And ends somewhere near “You’re just like the ex that broke my heart when she (insert appropriate story of infidelity).”
Advice: If he’s leaving more than two consecutive texts asking where you or what you doing – it’s probably a no go. Imagine what would happen if you had to nip to the ladies on a date.
- Mr. Still in a Couple
Aren’t there dedicated sites for this?
This guy’s not just got a picture with his ex, but one with his current girlfriend or Wife! They’re looking for someone to join them for a ‘night to remember’ and will give you a good idea of their intentions in a series of grainy pictures with one of them in red and black lace.
Advice here: Swipe right. This might not be exactly what you had in mind, but you want to know they want you, right?
6. The One (you just might)
It’s unlikely he’s on Tinder, but he might be. There’s no harm in window shopping and Tinder makes a great drinking game (take a shot every time you swipe left, you’ll find your standards decrease swiftly and significantly).
Every friend’s got a friend who met their husband on Tinder, it’s like the smug millennial wive’s tale. He might be at the gym, work or even your postman – many are hot (particularly DHL if anyone is interested: they wear shorts in the summer).
This guy won’t be late. He’ll have a plan that doesn’t involve anyone’s sofa and he won’t be wearing trainers. Or at least… not for long.